“The problem usually isn’t the disagreement. It’s the emotion we attach to it.”

Most destructive conflict starts long before the argument.

I have five children, and sometimes I honestly wonder where they came from.

Politically, we could not be more misaligned.

Years ago, I would have fought hard to convince them to believe what I believed. I wanted to win. I wanted them to see the world the way I saw it. I viewed disagreement as a referendum on my judgment and my values.

Ironically, I have successfully convinced them all to become Buffalo Bills fans, but they still continue to see world affairs very differently than I do.

Years ago, those differences could easily have led to arguments and destructive conflict. I would have worked diligently to convince them to “see the light.”

Today, I am older and at least a little wiser.

Now, I try to use our differences as an opportunity to become more curious. I try to seek understanding rather than simply trying to be understood.

I have also worked very hard over the years to build an emotional bank account with my children that allows us to disagree without damaging the relationship itself.

That emotional bank account matters.

Inside our homes, we often have years to make deposits into relationships. In leadership and organizational life, however, we do not always have the luxury of time. Without trust, respect, empathy, and emotional maturity, disagreements can quickly become destructive because people begin attacking each other instead of addressing the issue itself.

We label people instead of discussing ideas.

We see generational differences as weaknesses.

We view opposing political beliefs as character flaws.

We become more focused on convincing than understanding.

And in the process, we unintentionally diminish the value and self-worth of people who see the world differently than we do.

As leaders, we have to reverse that trend.

Great leaders do not fear differing opinions. They welcome them. They create environments where people can challenge ideas without attacking people.

Handled correctly, conflict can strengthen trust, improve decisions, and create better outcomes for everyone involved.
The choice is ours.